A while back, I had a panic attack before Maestro Jr. was born - one evolving around the possibility that I might, through carelessness or negligence, cause or allow fatal harm to my child. I wrote it off as pre-birth jitters, and a sign that I was guaranteed not do be that negligent for the simple reason that I was worrying about it.
Well over a year and a half later, I'm still worried. I mean, I know it's normal to have that 'active radar' - especially now that MJr is mobile. When he walks around the house I'm constantly scanning for items within reach that could be hazardous - that's all well and good. But my mind works in overdrive a lot, and actually creates hypothetical danger situations.... like 'daymares' of bad stuff that can happen. I mean he doesn't actually have to be in danger - my mind will run the simulation regardless.
Like today I was driving around listening to talk radio - and the people were saying something about building a high-rise hotel.... I imagined myself dangling MJr from a 40-story balcony ala Michael Jackson, and it freaked me out so much I almost had to pull over.
How fucked up is that? I mean seriously - given my fear of heights, the chances of me being out on the balcony of a 40-story hotel is very slim to begin with. But to imagine doing something that would endanger my child - why would my psyche even generate that image to begin with?
Phobias are a a weird thing. I once heard something about acrophobia that sounded preposterous at first, but then I searched my own reaction to heights and realized it was true: A common element in one's fear of heights is not the possibility that one might fall - it's the possibility that one might 'lose control of themselves' and jump. It's a morbid irrational notion, but I can definitely verify it. And it wasn't till I heard it that I was even aware of it.
So why now is my fear of heights being projected onto my son?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Seeing potential dangers everywhere is normal. The Michael Jackson on the balcony thing is weird, but I guess that's what puts the irrational in irrational fears. Very interesting about acrophobia--I had no idea, but that certainly would explain things.
For me, I'm doing much better with spiders, but dinosaurs still totally freak me out. Luckily, it's not much of a problem in my day-to-day life (as long as I avoid movies like Jurassic Park).
"The Michael Jackson on the balcony thing is weird"
You're tellin me.... That's one for the therapist. I mean, I don't have 'daymares' about running my kid over with the car, or beating him with a club... but give me a mental image of a high balcony or a cliff, and next I see myself - well, not exactly droppimg him off, but standing him right on the edge, and then losing my grip on him, or having him pushed over by a gust of wind... and he's gone. Freakin me out just writing about it, actually.
"but dinosaurs still totally freak me out."
Wow... never knew that was an issue. That reminds me of the weekend I got the whole JP series on DVD... sat down and tried to watch them all together. The whole 'humans eaten by dinosaurs' gets old after a while....
Ask me about a screenplay idea I have about this very thing. It's a horror film (of course), but deals with exactly what you're describing.
Actually, we should get to gether for dinner or something and catch up about a lot of things -- and when we do, ask me about the heights thing.
You see parents project their hopes and dreams on their kids every day...why not their fears?
You'll be ok.
Post a Comment