Panic Attack

So here's where I'm at with this whole baby thing:

People keep asking me if I'm ready to be a Dad. It seems like a silly question because little Cameron (Yes, we decided on a name. No, it really isn't "Cameron") is on his way, so whether or not I "feel" ready is kind of irrelevant.

People keep asking me if I'm nervous. And up until today... I would have said "no." It isn't that I don't respect the monumental task of parenthood... Oh no, believe me when I say that I have spent much time contemplating the requirements of parenthood. It's just that for all the advice and baby books and ominous warnings that "life as you know it is about to end"... It occurred to me that childbirth and parenting is a process as old as the species. Children and parents were around long before Pampers, Graco, Playskool, Gerber, Dr. Spock and... and everyone else that I'm supposed to suddenly let into my life. It's not as if the kid is going to come from a factory with a multi-lingual instruction booklet, the loss of which would spell instant failure for me as a dad. People have kids... kids grow... parents do the best they can. Thus has it always been, thus will it be for me.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to read the books, or take the classes... or that I'm not going to seek advice from seasoned parents and trained professionals. I'm just saying that I'm well aware that no amount of training will ever fully prepare me for the task. So just bring on the task, I'll figure it out. Worrying about it doesn't seem to profit anything.

Well, today I started worrying. One little thought that freaked me out: What if I kill the kid?
I mean... not intentionally. But those little nightmares/daymares people have about putting the baby seat on the roof of the car and driving off absentmindedly? Yeah, I had a flood of those (and stuff like it) *Shiver*

It struck me that baby humans must be among the most useless critters on the planet. Nature seems to have blessed other species with the ability to walk/run/swim and in some cases, even defend themselves mere moments after birth. But us high and mighty humans with our opposable thumbs and big frontal lobes... well, we can afford to be fairly helpless for a good decade at least. There's a lot of opportunity in there for a rookie human to meet his end. I mean, here I am thinking I'll "just deal with it" if the kid gets caught stealing candy from a 7-11... It hadn't yet crossed my mind that a lapse on my part might not mean an emotional scar, or a moral deficiency... it might mean the end of the kid...

A couple of hours and a few mild, common household sedatives later and I was feeling a little better. And then it struck me further: That age-old process that parents have been going through since well before we started walking upright... this is the beginning of it...

It's funny how I always thought I'd be a laid back dad. I think I feel an overprotective aspect of my personality growing. Man, think of what I'd be like if we were having a girl.