Fathers and Sons

I spent most of today with my father. I haven't seen him since before Christmas. He took a trip back to the country of his birth to see family and friends, and was gone from late November through mid January. Because of that, I didn't really get him a Christmas present, I figured I'd pick one up before I went to see him. The funny thing is, I didn't. Not that I didn't care, but I had no idea what to get him. My Dad is 80 years old and doesn't get out of the house much. He used to play golf, but he was in a car accident last year that left his swing arm weak. Somehow, just buying him DVDs and CDs year after year seemed just kind of stale. I knew that he was excited to see me, so I just went ahead and drove out to see him sans gift. I felt kind of bad, but I knew it wouldn't matter to him.

My dad lives in a trailer park. He moved in there with my (now 41 year old) brother after he and my Mom split. He's a retired MD. He probably could have done better for living arrangement, but he's taken to supporting my wayward brother. His trailer is adorned with modest furnishings. He has a weakness for novelty decorative things. . . like lava lamps and singing mounted fish. Definitely a man-cave, although a clean one. He also likes to stock up on snack foods, and has a year's supply of pistachio nuts, gummi treats and fruit roll-ups stacked in the corner.

I got a chance to peak into my brother's room when he wasn't there: It looked like something between a 15-year olds bedroom and a garage. Honestly, I didn't even see a space where he could sleep.

I got there just before 1 p.m. My brother wasn't there. Dad said that we should wait for him: he knew we were going out to lunch, and he wanted my brother to come along. My brother seems to be afvoiding me these days. Not that things are tense between us... I get the feeling that he's either embarassed to be around me (because of his life situation) or he just doesn't want Dad to ride him while I'm a round (in a "why can't you be like your brother?" kind of way) We waited for him a little then we just left.

Dad took me to an all-you-can-eat Asian seafood buffet. We spent most of the time talking about my brother. I can tell Dad is tired, frustrated and hurt. He said he told Brother that he can't go on with his life like this: he's retired and should be enjoying himself. Instead he's taking care of my brother, and often feeds his friends as well (Brother has a habit of inviting all his friends over, despite Dad's protests. No, I don't know why he doesn't just kick them out, either.)

Dad said he wants to move back to his home country. The US dollar is (believe it or not) still strong there. He could live very well on his pension. He also has lots of family. The only problem is I fear that his family will take advantage of him... being the "rich uncle" and all. He's already involved in some kind of business venture over there that sounded a little sketchy. Also, being that he's severely lonely and craving for female companionship, he's a prime target for gold-diggers as well.

At the same time, he does need to get away from my brother. I told him:

"You did everything you could... more than you should have. He had every chance to stand on his own two feet. I mean come on... the guy had two kids that he never supported. If having children doesn't turbo charge your personal sense of responsibility, I don't see what will. You have to let it go."

I know he didn't want to say it - that he's given up on my brother. He keeps saying "He's so smart, he's so talented."

"He's afraid of the world" I said. "Some people are so afraid of failure that they figure as long as they don't try, they can't fail. Why do you think he surrounds himself with shady people. Because he knows he's better than them... they make him feel good about himself. He's perpetually caught in adolescence with his whole life ahead of him, he thinks."

Another thought hit me: If Dad goes back to Home Country, my kid will basically grow up without having a relationship with their grandfather. That made me sad . . . but at the same time, I don't know what else Dad can do.

Back at the trailer, we kind of ran out of things to talk about. Dad turned on TMC and we watched "From Here to Eternity" which I had never seen before. Good movie. part of the way through, I started to nod off. When I came back I looked over and saw that my dad had fallen asleep too. We were sitting the exact same position.

A little while later he came to, looked at me and said "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

I laughed - "I don't know... it doesn't matter to me. I'm a little afraid of having a girl because I know she'll have me wrapped around her little finger. I'd spoil the heck out of her."

"A boy would carry on the family name..."

"Yeah I know. That would be nice, wouldn't it?"

I knew it would come down to this. My brother has two kids - two girls who were both raised in a really unstable household. He and the mother have been divorced for quite a while. She has a steady job, but the rest of her life is kind of a mess. The girls, obviously grew up kind of unstable themselves. No surprise there. So falls upon youngest son to keep the family going with a strong healthy heir to the "Maestro" name.

Towards the end of the movie, Dad got up, went to the kitchen and prepared two bowls of instant noodles. He threw in a few shrimp for good measure. I wasn't really hungry, but I ate it anyway. Had my wife been there, she would have stopped him from making food. That's what she does with her own parents. Adult children have that whole thing where they say "You took care of me when I was young and helpless, you don't have to take care of me anymore." It's a combination of pride an guilt. I see it a little different. Parents basically have one way they know how to express their love: they give. Take away the opportinty to give, and they find themselves without a vehicle for their love. That's why I eat the noodles. That's why I take the little trinkety things he pushes at me when I'm ready to leave.

Eventually I did leave. I managed to see Brother before I made it out the door. He returned home with a few friends in tow (as always). He said "So I hear I'm going to be an uncle." I smiled and nodded. He said, "If you need any advice, just let me know." I smiled and nodded again. I gave him a hug. One for Dad too. I got in my car and drove off.