So obviously, I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. On Wednesday, my wife looked at me and said "You haven't really told me how you feel about having a baby." I was afraid she'd bring that up... only because I wasn't ready to respond yet. I knew that a lack of response would look like I really didn't want the pregnancy to happen. She even said "Maybe you're not ready to be a parent yet." But that wasn't it. Last night I was finally ready to talk about it.
It's not that I'm not ready.... I'm more ready that I'll every be. And it's not that I'm fearing change. Well, I do fear change a little, but I've already decided that I'm going to deal with it. It's not like I have a semi-bachelor life that I want to hold on to; when I'm not at work, I'm at home watching TV and waiting for my wife to come home.
I have so many reasons for wanting a child. I've made a life out of loving other people's children... but in the end they always slip away. Not that I won't have to "let go" of my own kids someday, but at least they'll always be family. Also, I have no desire to leave this world with out leaving some kind of legacy behind.
So why didn't I jump up and down and scream and laugh and dance when we got the positive test back? Well, because I feel like I had just won the presidential election. On one hand I had just reached a goal I'd been working towards for the last several years. On the other, I had just realized that the road before me will be long and complicated. Make no mistake, this is probably the single most important thing I'll ever do.
How do I feel? I feel like I've just joined the human race.
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