But that's not the interesting part. The interesting part is why I would buy a gift card in the first place for an online merchant that already has my credit card. The answer is simple - I'm trying to keep the charges off the credit card, and away from my wife's scrutiny. It's not that I'm buying large volumes of stuff, nor items that are... questionable in nature. It's that my wife is extremely frugal and questions every purchase, no matter how small. That's easy to understand, and I appreciate that she's trying to keep the family finances intact. At the same time, I have modest creature comfort desires that I would like to accommodate - and in theory, we have a system through which I supposed to be able to do that. In theory.
I keep a small amount of cash that I acquire through tutoring and odd side jobs that is supposed to go towards the knick-knacks that I want. I'll make an online purchase and hand over the equivalent cash, if not a little more - and that seems to suffice. Most of the time. Sometimes we'll get to the end of the month, and if it's been a particularly heavy spending season she'll lament the size of the credit card bill. She'll proceed to give me (another) lecture on finances and the importance of saving, along with a statement about how I'm buying too much stuff online. It doesn't really matter if I've duly compensated for most if not all of my purchases from my mad cash - all she can see in the moment is the numbers on the screen. And again, I fully understand and appreciate where she's coming from - it's just frustrating that she seems incapable of acknowledging our agreement. If we are in financial dire straights, and are in danger of losing the house or not being able to eat, then fine, I'll throw my $500 - $1500 into the pot for the good of the order. Otherwise, it's not for her to question how I spend that money (unless, of course, we're talking drugs, hookers or Trump campaign contributions).
So, you see... the gift cards represent total freedom and guaranteed serenity. It may seem like a sneaky thing to do, but given that I get a daily dose of scrutiny and criticism, *anything* I can do to lessen that is preferable. I am well-aware of what this says about us - about her and myself, and our lack of trust and communication. The funny thing is - I called her and told her what happened. I suppose I didn't have to, given that she was unaware that I had even purchased a card to begin with, and that would have saved the ensuing tension that was stirred up. I want to tell myself it was because I wanted to front-load her with the credit card purchase I went ahead and put through - given that I wanted to acquire some items before my next out-of-town trip, and that I wasn't about to go buy *another* gift card (I'll give her cash later). Yeah, I could have saved myself the grief. I suppose I wanted her to know... not about the cash lost, but about the lengths I go to to avoid her criticism. Her control.
Part of the problem is that I'm passive-aggresive. I'll own that. In fact, it's become something that I'm frighteningly good at: finding ways to live a life and achieve happiness, even if it means keeping things outside of the sphere of influence of the one person you're supposed to be closest to. Confine me to a corner in the yard, and I'll grow the prettiest garden in that tiny space that you'll ever see, and then I'll grow a hedge in front of it so that you won't even know it's there, much less try to regulate.
So now, I'm waiting for a $100 recompense, which may or may not come. I am also waiting for the dinner conversation that is likely to occur after today's phone conversation. It could be that it will be worth the investment, and infinitely more.
"When Morris comes home, he and I will just have a
little chat. It's cool. No, it's going to be good"
- Cameron Frye, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
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