To the People of Japan....

First of all, please do not take this address as a criticism of the value of your nation and culture in the grand scheme of things. I have always had a great admiration for the Japanese people and their contribution to the world community. I have, however, been reviewing some of the more important accounts of your recent history, and it seems to me that you have been falling into a dangerous pattern that threatens the well being of your nation and people. Please take the following to heart:

* Repeat after me: "Tanks and planes are ineffective against Godzilla." You've been throwing them at him since the 1950's, and he's been eating them like popcorn. It's a blatant waste of government funding.

* That super-machine you built... you know the one that stood up to Big G for an admirable five minutes before he barbecued it with his atomic breath?.... well, it probably isn't a good idea to rebuild it. I don't think the extra three inches of titanium plating, the additional two racks of armor piercing missiles or the rear-mounted laser cannon are going to make much of a difference.

* On the list of skills that your counter-Godzilla super-squad operatives should to have, I don't think that martial arts needs to be all that near the top.

* If for some reason you manage to devise a way to get the better of Mr. Zilla, rest assured that it will only be a matter of time before something with an even worse attitude descends upon Tokyo. Hence, you will find yourself either abandoning your plan, or trying to undo the damage you did so that the afore-mentioned Mr. Zilla can jump in and pull your collective fat out of the fryer.... again.

* If, for some reason, you are visited by 1" tall identical twin fairies who seem to have something to say about the big lizard... LISTEN TO THEM!!!

* Why not make Tokyo a subterranean metropolis? It would save on the rebuilding costs.

* Maybe it's time you built your big nuclear reactors far away from the major populated areas. (You'd think that would be a good idea on it's own)

* Every time Senor Green walks off into the sunset after saving humanity from space monsters for the umpteenth time, there seems to be a consensus that "maybe he's just misunderstood." Then he shows up two years later and you all do the same dance all over again. I think you just need relationship counseling.

* Look, if there's trouble, give us a call. We'll send Chuck Norris.